Maybe the real problem is that now when I get into existential crisis mode, I decide to self-medicate with illicit substances and Diet Cherry Pepsi and the Internet, where I used to read and write to soothe the demons.
Freshly caught white boy depression, drizzled in a light cynicism sauce.
With a large slice of sarcasm on the side.
Chris: I just posted a quote that you said.
Me: Thanks! Would it be conceited to reblog it?
Chris: Nah. I do it all the time. Though my blog isn’t as “koala tea” as yours.
Me: What does “Koala..
Me: I got it. I literally just got it as I was typing.
That link is my quote anyway because there is nothing koala tea about this blog.
I’m reblogging a run-of-the-mill conversation I had with Ellie, just to prove to her that it is okay.
Also, yeah, I did say “koala tea”. I’ve been pulled into the dark side of the Tumblr subculture.
The first law of thermodynamics is you do not talk about thermodynamics.
The second law of thermodynamics is you DO NOT TALK ABOUT THERMODYNAMICS.
The third law of thermodynamics is something to do with entropy or something.
But noooooo, that “doesn’t count”.
Whatever. Your loss.
Look, I know it’s asking a lot, but I was wondering if there was any way that you could be warmer when you come out of the bottle? I just spent half an hour carefully twisting the knob on the shower to get the water at the perfect temperature (hot, but not too hot), and then you come along and you are practically frozen. It’s like I’m rubbing polar bear semen onto me.
Step it up.
CHRIS. This is “Intoxicated Cooking with Chris Rife”. I’m your host, Chris Rife.
Thank you, thank you. Now today on our show we have a classic meal for all your hungry substance abusers out there: the grilled cheese!
It’s one of my personal favorites. Now, I was inspired by watching an episode of Archer, where Archer asks his mother to make him a grilled cheese. And I thought, wow, that would be great! So here’s what you do to go about making your very own.
(CHRIS walks over to a dirty George Forman Grille)
First of all, start heating up your George Forman Grille. Don’t bother cleaning it, you’ll only burn your arm. I should know.
(CHRIS shows his arm to the camera. It is covered in black grill lines.)
I don’t complain too much about it, though. Makes me look like a Zebra. The ladies gets a kick out of it, too.
(Audience laughs. It is obvious canned laughter.)
After you start heating up your filthy grill, start on making the sandwich. Grab whatever bread you find lying around. Normally, if you were sober, you’d choose the healthiest bread you kind. Some sort of multi-grain or whole wheat. But now that you’re intoxicated, any old thing will do. I grabbed a months old piece of pita bread and tore it in two. Now, it’s time for the all important cheese. Root around in your fridge. Consider taking one of your roommates’ full slices of provolone, but then realize the last time someone took someone else’s food, Dennis had to write “No!” in red sharpie on all of his eggs. Settle for the shredded cheese you have leftover. Sprinkle that haphazardly on top of the shredded pita, and smush it down with the other piece of pita bread. For flavoring, you can spill your rum and Diet Pepsi all over the bread.
(CHRIS takes a tumbler of rum and Diet Pepsi and sloshes the drink over the side, so it dribbles all over the sandwich.)
It gives it a little kick. Now that your grill is all heated up, take care not to burn yourself as you-
(CHRIS burns himself.)
Motherfucker! Ah! Shit! Not again. Ah. Now, get out oven mitts because you think making a sandwich is dangerous. Press down on the top part of the grill, and smuggly think to yourself that you are a top-notch chef. If you should start to smell something burning, you probably forgot to spray any cooking oil on the grill. I’ve done the same to give it that authentic drunk college student taste.
(CHRIS picks up the sandwich right off the grill and puts it on a plate, burning his fingers in the process.)
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Now, on the side of your sandwich, you’ll want something completely unrelated in tastes to your grilled cheese. I suggest nutella, because all intoxicated people love nutella.
(CHRIS spoons nutella onto the plate with the grilled cheese)
Just dab a whole lot on the side there - and there’s your perfect dipping sauce. Now go sit down and watch the new 30 Rock you DVRed, and regret eating this in the morning!
(We pan across audience, close up on a few audience members smearing greasy grilled cheese and nutella all over their mouths.)
That’s all for this edition of “Intoxicated Cooking with Chris Rife”. I’m your host Chris Rife. Join us next time for Burnt Store-Brand Pizza bagels! Take it easy!
It looks like it’s going to be a very spacey, dream pop sounding mix, with a few acoustic gems thrown in there for good measure. Got some Polyphonic Spree, Spiritualized, Suckers, Frightened Rabbit, Mercury Rev, Television, Yo La Tengo…a pretty good sampling of the non-soul stuff I’ve been listening to lately.
Start getting excited.
We’re talking first two generations, right? Right.
Least favorite: Delibird. A bullshit King Dedede knock off.